Picking up where I left off: Pick #6, the New York Jets.
6. NEW YORK JETS
TEAM NEEDS: Franchise Qb, Cornerback, O-Tackle
What the NY Jets truly need in this draft is a can’t-miss Qb prospect to make himself available to them — something you and I both know isn’t in the cards with this pick. I hope that you know that, at least (if you’re a Jets fan).
Although I like Mitch Trubisky and Deshaun Watson and believe that they have a whole lot to offer, taking a quarterback here at #6 would be the absolute worst thing this franchise could do. The last thing this Jets organization needs is another early round Qb prospect “developing” and “competing” with the others on the roster. Two is enough. Three … that just may push Fireman Ed over the cliff. I’m serious.
I’m using Fireman Ed here as the face of Jets Nation, and Fireman Ed has had enough of these red-cheeked, baby-faced dopes with big arms and great hair.
My point is, Fireman Ed wishes he had another 21-year old Qb prospect to root for like he wishes to be blasted in the face with a high-octane queef by Queen LaQueefah from the Howard Stern Show.
Firman Ed’s reaction to that appalling video footage is:
Anything else, Fireman Ed?
HOLY SHITBALLS! Firman Ed has not only turned this into a competition, but he’s now raised the bar quite a bit. How will the women respond?
Let’s ask Martha Stewart …
Speechless. Absolutely, utterly speechless! A round of applause for … wait, it’s Ed …
This is amazing! It appears that Fireman Ed has responded to Martha Stewart’s confetti queef with a manly cock-fart. Absolutely astonishing!
This was truly an intense battle. It’s been too close to call, but … I declare Queen LaQueefah the winner. In the end, this Lady of Vage (pronounced /vāj/) and her genital flatulence was simply too much for Ed to handle.
Bravo, Queen LaQueefah! Bravo! Props to Ed for his intensity, though.
On a side note: How about Fred and Artie’s reactions in the video?
Back to the J-E-T-S JETS, JETS, JETS. Which direction do they turn if they, like I, do not see a Franchise Quarterback on the board here at #6?
With the 6th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select …
» Marshon Lattimore, Cornerback, Ohio State
Lattimore is hands down the best Corner prospect in this draft class. He is the most naturally gifted cover corner to enter the league since Pitt’s Darrelle Revis. His abilities are simply undeniable. Coach Todd Bowles and his coaching staff will refine his game to the NFL standard and teach him the nuances of the position like few can.
Marshon Lattimore will be the best corner in the league in three years or less. He’s a no-brainer here at #6. He’ll be the Jets likely starter on the outside very early in the season, pushing Buster Skrine back inside to nickel where he’s best suited.
But the Jets do need a quarterback — a Franchise quarterback — and they can land him AND Lattimore if they play their cards right. If I had any money (which I don’t) then I would bet it all against Bryce Petty and Christian Hack-enberg (emphasis on Hack) ever making their mark in this league. To label them as “Franchise Qb Prospects” is to label Queen LaQueefa as a “purveyor of crotch emissions” … yeah … exactly.
There are a handful of intriguing quarterback prospects, however, with Mitch Trubisky and Deshaun Watson sitting atop their class. Both have higher ceilings and lower floors then Bryce and the Hack. Its up to the Jets to brain trust to figure out how to land one of them — unless they really believe in Hackenberg.
7. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
TEAM NEEDS: Safety, O-Line, Cornerback
Pardon the pun here but … how do I follow that juicy intro?
Wow! I’ll do my very best.
When it comes to my love of Philip Rivers, I’ll always be in the minority of the conversation. I think that he’s greater than mostly every football fan will ever realize. And thinking about him rotting away while under the control of Dean Spanos’ soft, dainty mittens fires me the hell up — although it pales in comparison to Fireman Ed’s resentment towards 21-year old strong armed Qb’s with great hair … and his resentment towards queefs. Can’t forget about the queefs.
Over the course of Philip Rivers’ career, I’ve always held the mindset that the AFC West is wide open. I’ve especially felt that way over the last three years or so. This year, I’m more confident than ever that the Chargers have what it takes to capture the West. I like the foundation that’s currently in place, and I love the hiring of Gus Bradley. They just need one more player — a true difference maker — to give them the push they need to strong arm the division.
So who is that player then?
With the 7th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, the Los Angeles Chargers select …
» Malik Hooker, Safety, Ohio State
And how lucky the Chargers would be if the draft plays itself out this way. Any independent talent evaluator like myself will tell you just how hard it is to evaluate corners and safeties. The broadcast view — which, by design, centers its camera’s focus on the football itself — is often the only tape that is available to me for my evaluations. And as much as I would love to get my hands on the Coaches film for my Malik Hooker evaluation, in my heart I know that I simply do not need it.
If I could create a safety prospect in a lab, then the late/great Sean Taylor is what would come of it. Ed Reed, Ronnie Lott and Brian Dawkins would walk out of the room in at least 3 out of 5 of those labs, but you could expect to see Malik Hooker exiting Lab 4 … walking backwards … upside down on his hands.
Malik Hooker is a freak in the most literal sense of the word. Need proof?
The highlight video below is accompanied by the music of Georgia rapper, Dae Dae. So take a seat, fill you up a cup of “surp” and get your lean on.
Did that blow the balls off you or what?
One-handed interceptions while falling down on an angle; two-handed interceptions while colliding with a 6-foot-4, 210-pound wide receiver; one AND two-handed interceptions taken back to the house; tackles made on ball-carriers behind the line of scrimmage while coming from center field …
My balls are officially blown off and are dancing on the floor to that trunk-banger by Dae Dae. No joke.
This is a highlight film like no other from the safety position.
I’m going against my own advice here by using a youtube highlight video as an evaluation tool, but some things are just so goddamn obvious that the rules need not apply. I believe that Malik Hooker is a sure-fire, bonafide difference maker at the next level — and I say that with conviction. He’s an absolute playmaking turnover machine, and he fills a need for the Chargers at the back end of their defense.
And being that Hooker is essentially a taller Earl Thomas (if Earl Thomas had the hand size of Kawhi Leonard and the ball skills of Antonio Gates in his prime), I’m sure that the newly hired defensive coordinator, Gus Bradley, will know exactly how to best use him.
8. CAROLINA PANTHERS
TEAM NEEDS: Pass-rushing End, Safety, Receiver
If you were to ask Panthers GM David Gentleman and head coach Ron Rivera to describe who the Carolina Panthers are, it would sound something like this:
We’re tough. We’re physical. We bring the fight to the opposition. We never back down; never give up. We keep poundddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddklj;jl;kjlkj;jhgu;bbbbbbbbbbbbbbnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmm
Wow. Sorry about that. I just woke up and realized that I must’ve passed out as I was typing the Panthers mantra of ‘Keep Pounding’ in the paragraph above.
Yeah … their shit is that boring. As it turns out, listening to the two of them and their predictably boring shit causes narcoleptic reactions in some people. Be careful or you might end up like the chick from the Deuce Bigalow movie (the one with narcolepsy that falls asleep mid-meal but is saved by Deuce’s innovation).
My head definitely hit the desk, though. It’s the only difference between my scene and the one above. Pricks! Anyway … the point I was making has to do with the boredom that is the Carolina Panthers offense. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love watching ground-n-pound football — I really do. But c’mon guys. What do you say we spice things up this year? And thats why I’m choosing to add a playmaker here with this pick.
With the 8th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select …
» John Ross, Wide Receiver, Washington
So, why John Ross?
Is he a better option than Corey Davis and/or Mike Williams?
Well … maybe — or maybe not. Who knows?
I think that he is. Why? Because he’s a better fit.
Okay … now this:
Yup — another highlight video. So what. I wanted to showcase John Ross’ special abilities on the field. I think that he’s a special prospect, and not just because of his 40-time, either (4.22 — a new Combine record).
I evaluated him the week prior to the Combine, actually, and I instantly fell in love with him. Many of the same special qualities that I see in Odell Beckham I see in John Ross. Ross is obviously faster. Beckham is slightly bigger. But they are both unique receivers — special receivers — the kind that tilt games. The kind that can win a game on a single play.
Carolina doesn’t know what they have yet in Devin Funchess. They know exactly what they have in Kelvin Benjamin (huge and talented, but lazy and unreliable), which is why I view the selection of Ross as a no-brainer. I don’t see them going Derek Barnett here, even though they need a pass-rusher. Ross is just way too talented and his ceiling is just way too high for them to pass on him. They cannot afford to.
9. CINCINNATI BENGALS
TEAM NEEDS: Defensive Line, Offensive Line
Let me start by mentioning that I expect to see the Bengals move this pick on Day 1 of the draft. I see them picking up an extra pick or two and moving down the board. Maybe they move far down the board, maybe they don’t. I have no idea.
If the Draft plays itself out in a similar fashion to what you’ve seen here and Cincy stays put, then I’d imagine that Bama’s Jonathan Allen would be at the top of their board. I don’t see a team antsy enough to move up and trade for Allen, necessarily. So, what then? What do the Bengals do if they can’t move the pick but there isn’t a high-ceiling player available to them at a position of need?
With the 9th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select …
» Jonathan Allen, Defensive Tackle, Alabama
Its tough to really know what the Bengals will do here. I believe they would love to trade down and acquire another pick, but I doubt that happens. There isn’t a player here that warrants the price tag that’s accompanied in the deal. So with that in mind, the Bengals select Jonathan Allen, pairing him up with Geno Atkins while forming an interior duo that will require a whole lot of attention from opposing blockers.
Allen, who’s been compared to Atkins by some evaluators, is a safe, low-floor prospect here at 9. He brings a similar skill-set to Geno while acting as his future replacement. Atkins is still at the top of his game, but with only two years remaining on a deal that’ll have him turning 30 by the time he reaches the final year, it serves the Bengals well to groom a younger, cheeper version of him while time is still on their side.
Other possible draft options:
- Taco Charton, DE, Michigan
- Jabrill Peppers, S, Michigan
- Takkarist McKinnley, DE, UCLA
- Forrest Lamp, OG, W.Michigan
- Ryan Ramczyk, OT, Wisconsin
10. BUFFALO BILLS
TEAM NEEDS: Cornerback, Receiver, Quarterback
There aren’t many GMs that I hate more than Doug Whaley. He’s been an utter failure in many ways, and he continues to baffle my mind with most of his decisions. But that’s not what I want to focus on here. I just wanted to have that on the record.
Let’s at least hope (Bills fans) that Whaley isn’t sweet on a quarterback here at this spot, as he’s all but assured to screw that up for you guys.
The Bills can go a number of different ways with this pick, and until we’re about a week or two away from Day 1 of the Draft, the projections will continue to appear multiple and wavy.
Buffalo has an entirely new coaching staff with new philosophies on both sides of the ball — which makes this pick even more perplexing to me. They’ll be running a zone-based run scheme on offense, one that’s rooted in the vision of Gary Kubiak. So what does this tell me?
It tells me that running back is likely off of the table with this pick — even if they part ways with Shady. In a deep running back class, Doug Whaley can find offensive coordinator Rick Dennison a one-cut back in the middle rounds of the draft (like most GMs do when drafting a Back for a zone-based scheme).
An outside wide receiver that compliments Sammy Watkins has to be at the forefront of the minds in Whaley’s think tank. Whether Mike Williams or Corey Davis, the Bills will likely have their choice with this pick — if they are targeting a receiver, that is.
Also needing a compliment on the other side of him is stud cover man Ronal Darby — a position (cornerback) that is one of the deeper groups in this draft class.
So who’s their guy then?
With the 10th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, the Buffalo Bills select …
» Corey Davis, Receiver, Western Michigan
Although I could make a fantastic argument for Mike Williams here, stylistically speaking, Corey Davis is the better fit for this Buffalo offense. I like just about everything that I see with Corey Davis, everything except for the occasional case of “the dropsies” … haha … I love saying that.
I do believe that Davis is a reach here at #10, but I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I’m completely unenthused with this organization.
Sorry Buffalo fans. Blame your GM.
That’s actually pretty funny. In case you don’t know, only two people ever visit my site, and neither of them are (a) from Buffalo, or (b) give a shit about the Buffalo Bills. Not even a pellet. So with that said, I’m off to make a pork sandwich on toasted rye with mayo and spicy mustard — salt and pepper chips on the side.
Part three to come very soon … I hope.